Joke time

[Gnasty]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

[henwrench]

Why have babies got soft spots in the tops of their heads?

    So if there's a fire in the Hospital, they can be carried out ten at a time.

                                      henwrench

[Oldrottenhead]

LONDON   LAWYER       VS         GLASGOW COP



A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.


The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,  " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"                                                 
London Lawyer says,   "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says,   "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket.    If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

[Gnasty]

Spider bump!! nobody's cracked a joke on here since 2010???!!!

[Rata-tat-tat]

Here's one for 2013 an Alaskan joke

Three Alaska natives go to a party... in order to gain access they have to be dressed as an emotion.

None of them came prepared so they went scrambling to their vehicles to find something to decorate themselves...

The first native finds a can of red spray paint under his seat and paints himself red... he immediately goes to the bouncer for entry to the party... When question what he was supposed to be... he replied " I am red with rage"... and he was granted entry

The second native finds a can of green spray pain and paints himself green... He immediately goes to the bouncer for entry... When questioned what he was supposed to be... he replied " I am green with Envy".... and he was granted entry.


The third native finds a teddy bear that his little girl had left lying in the front seat... In a flash of brilliance the man strips down naked and puts the bear over his privates and immediately goes to the bouncer for entry... When asked what the heck he was supposed to be the native replied " I am deep in disbear"

"Bud dump pshhhh"

[Gnasty]

Ha ha I wondered what you Alaskans do with your nine months of darkness and cold !