Joke time

[StevieM]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1-- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2-- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3-- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4-- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5-- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6-- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7-- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spooky
8-- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9-- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10--We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11--When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'
12--The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.
13--The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

[Tony W]

My jokes are way simpler.

two guys walked into a bar, The third guy ducked.

A pirate walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey pirate, you got a steering wheel in your pants" The Pirate replies "Arrrrrrrgh it drives me nuts"

[Migs]

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk in to a bar and the bartender says "What!? Is this some kind of a joke?"

*boom tish*

[Ferryman_1957]

I'm getting this strange feeling of deja vu.....

https://songcrafters.org/community/general-discussion-b8/a-pirate-walks-into-a-bar/0/

There's some good ones here.

Cheers,

Nigel

[Tony W]

I'm off the hook! that thread was in February, I Joined March 31st.

I'm "positive" that I didn't read that thread until today Nigel.

[Ferryman_1957]

It's funny how the same jokes keep coming round.... But some of them are really good.

I'm off the hook! that thread was in February, I Joined March 31st.

I'm "positive" that I didn't read that thread until today Nigel.

LOL!! Nice one!

Cheers,

Nigel

[OsCKilO]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[OsCKilO]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[launched]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W19QnOd9GbU

[Ted]

This joke is pretty much the way I tell it, but copying and pasting it saved me from typing it:

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilisation in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

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