Joke time

[jackofall]

Here's some banjo jokes:

What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?
The chainsaw has dynamic range

What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
A visitor

How can you make a thousand dollars playing the banjo?
Start out with two thousand

How can you tell if the stage is level?
Drool will run out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth

Why do some people take an instant dislike to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run

What is the one thing that nobody has ever said?
That's the banjo player's porsche

These all came out of my banjo tutor book!!!
 

[guitarron]

Migs-that was brilliant-some pretty unique perspectives there

[Ted]

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

That moment is usually just before I login to BossBR.net.

Oh my god, it's 8:19 AM.

[Tony W]

I'm so glad you guys replied about migs post, I nearly missed it!

Ted, shame on you for exposing me as well!

[Wiley]

LOL I loved the banjo jokes. lOL  Tafka better look out he plays a banjo.  Maybe we will have to work up a no. for this. LOL

[Blooby]

If you are new to Blues music, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch ... ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues : (a) highway; (b) jailhouse; (c) empty bed; (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the Blues: (a) Nordstrom's (b) Gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions; (d) Golf courses.

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: (a) You're older than dirt; (b) You're blind; (c) You shot a man in Memphis; (d) You can't be satisfied.  No, if: (a) You have all your teeth; (b) You once were blind but now can see; (c) The man in Memphis lived; (d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) Cheap wine; (b) Whiskey or bourbon; (c) Muddy water; (d) Black coffee.  The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier; (b) Chardonnay; (c) Snapple (d) Slim Fast.

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama; (c) Bessie; (d) Fat River Dumpling.

18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie; (d) Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); (b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.); (c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

[SteveG]

No 14 lets me in then

[Blooby]

No 14 lets me in then

I didn't know you boxed.

Blooby "Big Willy's Willie"

[Ted]

If you are new to Blues music, here are some very fundamental rules:

I seem to remember an e-mail going around like this about eight or nine years ago.

[Googling...]

Found it! It's pretty much exactly the same thing, but somehow the original #20 has been conveniently left off:

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.

I've got an instrumental song called Writer's Block Blues, which I suppose disqualifies me (in addition to the computer rule).  'Cause if you really have a legitimate case of the blues, you just start complaining and it writes itself.  So I'm told.

Well... Ta ta!  Back to my fabulous life now.

[launched]

Great addition, Bloob - I might change my name to Lame Lime now...