A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1-- Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2-- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3-- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4-- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5-- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6-- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7-- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spooky
8-- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9-- When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10--We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11--When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'
12--The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.
13--The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
My jokes are way simpler.
two guys walked into a bar, The third guy ducked.
A pirate walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey pirate, you got a steering wheel in your pants" The Pirate replies "Arrrrrrrgh it drives me nuts"
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk in to a bar and the bartender says "What!? Is this some kind of a joke?"
*boom tish*
I'm getting this strange feeling of deja vu.....
https://songcrafters.org/community/general-discussion-b8/a-pirate-walks-into-a-bar/0/ (https://songcrafters.org/forum/general-discussion-b8/a-pirate-walks-into-a-bar/0/)
There's some good ones here.
Cheers,
Nigel
I'm off the hook! that thread was in February, I Joined March 31st.
I'm "positive" that I didn't read that thread until today Nigel.
It's funny how the same jokes keep coming round.... But some of them are really good.
Quote from: Tony W on August 19, 2009, 07:05:02 AMI'm off the hook! that thread was in February, I Joined March 31st.
I'm "positive" that I didn't read that thread until today Nigel.
LOL!! Nice one!
Cheers,
Nigel
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
This joke is pretty much the way I tell it, but copying and pasting it saved me from typing it:
QuoteA scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilisation in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks. The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop." The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!" The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!" The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?" Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
Source (http://www.drbass.co.uk/basssolo.html)
Ted nice.
Whats the difference between a dead bass player and a dead squirrel?
The squirrel MIGHT have been going to a gig.
Here's another bass player joke - I already posted it somewhere, but it kind of fits the thread:
A guy goes to take bass lessons and on the first day, he learns the E string. On day two he learns the A string. On day three it was a no show because he was already gigging!
Q: HO many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
Q. What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What do you call a bass player with a beeper?
A. An optimist.
Q. What's the difference between a bass player and a pizza?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. Five. One. Five.
Q. What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of baked beans?
A. One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.
Q. If a drummer and a bassist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Johnny starting playing bass as a child, and his encouraging mother always kept his spirits high and made him proud to be a bassist. One day he came home and said, "Mommy, Mommy! Today in school we did numbers, and most kids only got to ten, but I went to twenty!"
"That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied, "That's because you're a bass player!"
Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.
The next day, Johnny came home saying,"Mommy! Mommy! Today we did the alphabet, and everyone else stopped at P, but I made it all the way to Z!"
"That's Great Johnny!" his mother replied, "That's because you're a bass player!"
Excited, Johnny ran upstairs and practiced the bass.
The next day, Johnny came home excited once again. "Mommy! Mommy! Today They measured us and I'm the tallest in my class! Is that because I'm a bass player?"
"No Johnny," his Mother said, "That's because you're 28."
I culled these all from here (http://www.users.bigpond.com/prodigalson/bass.htm), here (http://www.bobandtom.com/basstalk/jokes.htm), and here (http://www.hueymcdonald.com/bassjokes.htm).
Sorry bosko ;D .........
How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A - Put sheet music in front of him.
Q - What do you get when you cross Yngwie with an octopus?
A - A guy that can play a Steve Vai transcription!
Q - How is lightning like a guitarist's fingers?
A - Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q - What's the difference between a BR owner and a bag of garbage?
A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
At a U2 show recently, Bono, after a song, asked for complete and total silence. After all was quiet and still, Bono started to clap his hands slowly. After about 20 seconds of clapping, he said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
Silence for a few seconds more.
Then a voice from the front shouts out, "Then stop clappin' you evil bastard!"
Brilliant!!! That is soooo funny :D
Did that really happen?
Quote from: SteveG on August 21, 2009, 05:34:26 AMBrilliant!!! That is soooo funny :D
Did that really happen?
I reeeeally wanted to believe this was a true story, but according to Snopes, it's not (http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp).
Quote from: Ted on August 21, 2009, 10:04:24 AMQuote from: SteveG on August 21, 2009, 05:34:26 AMBrilliant!!! That is soooo funny :D
Did that really happen?
I reeeeally wanted to believe this was a true story, but according to Snopes, it's not (http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp).
Awwwwww :(
Interesting read that Snopes piece tho.
I like this thread.
Quote from: Davo on August 21, 2009, 06:23:08 PMI like this thread.
Me too. It's...
What's the word?
Funny!
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
The lady can't take this any more, You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public
places about our sex lives.
Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tell in' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'
$5 says you're gonna read this again. ;)
roflmao, after I read "the punchline", I read it again, then finished the last sentence! you got a paypal account?
Yup your right I read it again. Heres my naughty contributions. lOL
What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS? A crazy bitch who will find you!!
Hey baby, wanna come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til I google all over your facebook?
Mahaaaaaaa
Quote from: wiley on August 24, 2009, 05:49:39 PMHey baby, wanna come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til I google all over your facebook?
Mahaaaaaaa
:-* You wanna be careful with invitations like that---- there are a lot of strange people out there----Most of them on HERE!!!!! :D :D :D
( ps. when's the next flight? ;))
Quote from: wiley on August 24, 2009, 05:49:39 PMYup your right I read it again. Heres my naughty contributions. lOL
What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS? A crazy bitch who will find you!!
Hey baby, wanna come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til I google all over your facebook?
Mahaaaaaaa
lmao-thats the best one yet
Some times the punchline doesn't follow a joke....
It is just there ......
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/greatt.jpg)
Quote from: osckilo on August 26, 2009, 10:17:16 AMWOW!!!!!
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/greatt.jpg)
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".
- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem ...
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner
Migs, that was too deep to ponder this early in the morning. I want to say "F#$k all" to work and go back to sleep now.
Blooby
Here's some banjo jokes:
What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?
The chainsaw has dynamic range
What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo
What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
A visitor
How can you make a thousand dollars playing the banjo?
Start out with two thousand
How can you tell if the stage is level?
Drool will run out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth
Why do some people take an instant dislike to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run
What is the one thing that nobody has ever said?
That's the banjo player's porsche
These all came out of my banjo tutor book!!!
Migs-that was brilliant-some pretty unique perspectives there
Quote from: Migs on August 27, 2009, 12:09:44 AM- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
That moment is usually just before I login to BossBR.net.
Oh my god, it's 8:19 AM.
I'm so glad you guys replied about migs post, I nearly missed it!
Ted, shame on you for exposing me as well!
LOL I loved the banjo jokes. lOL Tafka better look out he plays a banjo. Maybe we will have to work up a no. for this. LOL
If you are new to Blues music, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch ... ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues : (a) highway; (b) jailhouse; (c) empty bed; (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.
11. Bad places for the Blues: (a) Nordstrom's (b) Gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions; (d) Golf courses.
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: (a) You're older than dirt; (b) You're blind; (c) You shot a man in Memphis; (d) You can't be satisfied. No, if: (a) You have all your teeth; (b) You once were blind but now can see; (c) The man in Memphis lived; (d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) Cheap wine; (b) Whiskey or bourbon; (c) Muddy water; (d) Black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier; (b) Chardonnay; (c) Snapple (d) Slim Fast.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama; (c) Bessie; (d) Fat River Dumpling.
18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie; (d) Big Willie.
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); (b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.); (c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.
No 14 lets me in then :D
Quote from: SteveG on August 27, 2009, 06:52:17 PMNo 14 lets me in then :D
I didn't know you boxed.
Blooby "Big Willy's Willie"
Quote from: Blooby on August 27, 2009, 06:44:42 PMIf you are new to Blues music, here are some very fundamental rules:
I seem to remember an e-mail going around like this about eight or nine years ago.
[Googling...]
Found it! It's pretty much exactly the same thing, but somehow the original #20 has been conveniently left off:
Quote from: http://www.analogman.com/singblues.htm20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
I've got an instrumental song called
Writer's Block Blues, which I suppose disqualifies me (in addition to the computer rule). 'Cause if you really have a legitimate case of the blues, you just start complaining and it writes itself. So I'm told.
Well... Ta ta! Back to my fabulous life now.
Great addition, Bloob - I might change my name to Lame Lime now...
There was a hilarious one about a bluesmans wife taking him to court over the lyrics of his songs, saying she had never done him wrong or given him kerosene to drink, in fact he spent all his time in low down bars drinking whisky and messing with loose women, or something like that...
Cant find it :( Anybody?
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
This is a triumph.
A for real joke??? Went to have my oil changed in my mini-van. The technician was taking the info, year, mileage, etc. He gets to the color he looked at me and he looked at the van and wrote down DIRT!! No shit!!
lol!!!!!
Quote from: wiley on August 30, 2009, 10:27:46 AMA for real joke??? Went to have my oil changed in my mini-van. The technician was taking the info, year, mileage, etc. He gets to the color he looked at me and he looked at the van and wrote down DIRT!! No shit!!
Men only know about 5 colors:)
My ex once told me her oil light kept coming on if she took a turn too fast. I go outside and check her oil levels...there was LESS then a quart in there.
Then she tells me "it came with oil when I bought it"!
Hey DAvo don't be slamming us girls!! LOL That's your job to check oil. LOL But I admit I dont' wash. Rain does wonders. !!!
Quote from: wiley on August 30, 2009, 06:02:49 PMHey DAvo don't be slamming us girls!! LOL That's your job to check oil. LOL But I admit I dont' wash. Rain does wonders. !!!
Whoa!! TMI!!! TMI!!!
:P :P :P
Quote from: Saijinn Maas on August 30, 2009, 07:09:52 PMQuote from: wiley on August 30, 2009, 06:02:49 PMHey DAvo don't be slamming us girls!! LOL That's your job to check oil. LOL But I admit I dont' wash. Rain does wonders. !!!
TMI?
Whoa!! TMI!!! TMI!!!
:P :P :P
Quote from: osckilo on August 30, 2009, 07:25:14 PMQuote from: Saijinn Maas on August 30, 2009, 07:09:52 PMQuote from: wiley on August 30, 2009, 06:02:49 PMHey DAvo don't be slamming us girls!! LOL That's your job to check oil. LOL But I admit I dont' wash. Rain does wonders. !!!
TMI?
Whoa!! TMI!!! TMI!!!
:P :P :P
Too
Much
Information
LOL!!!!!!!
Quote from: wiley on August 30, 2009, 06:02:49 PMHey DAvo don't be slamming us girls!! LOL That's your job to check oil. LOL But I admit I dont' wash. Rain does wonders. !!!
Such a hippy, you are.
Q. Where do you hide your pot so the hippies can't find it?
A. Under the soap.
The van I don't wash. LOL You guys are terrible. :o
There's nothing wrong with dirty :D
Cars, jokes, girls------ ;)
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?
''Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved
all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so?!' with attitude he asked. And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!'
LOL LOL LOL
LOL
Stephen King made a guest appearence on Letterman several years ago, and he was as funny and crazy as ever!!
From what I remember:
Letterman: So you can't have any skin exposed or the monsters under your bed will get you?
King: You must be completely covered. If even a hand or toe is exposed, whoosh!! You're gone!!
Letterman: Well, you're head's exposed - How come the monsters don't go after that?
King: You don't eat dessert first!
After that, King got bizarre and creepily weird, so I know it wasn't staged. A brillian man - too brilliant.
;D ;D ;D Ok You guys are in for it now!!!!
23 useless parts on a mans body.
20 nails you can't hammer!
2 balls you can't throw!
& 1 cock that can't crow!
;D ;D ;D
(http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh69/Scott_Loveless/great%20pic/cowbell.jpg)
Quote from: launched on September 01, 2009, 05:46:11 PMStephen King made a guest appearence on Letterman several years ago, and he was as funny and crazy as ever!!
From what I remember:
Letterman: So you can't have any skin exposed or the monsters under your bed will get you?
King: You must be completely covered. If even a hand or toe is exposed, whoosh!! You're gone!!
Letterman: Well, you're head's exposed - How come the monsters don't go after that?
King: You don't eat dessert first!
After that, King got bizarre and creepily weird, so I know it wasn't staged. A brillian man - too brilliant.
Kind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
Quote from: Justin_Case on September 02, 2009, 07:24:08 PM(http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh69/Scott_Loveless/great%20pic/cowbell.jpg)
Vancadd?????????
Quote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMQuote from: launched on September 01, 2009, 05:46:11 PMStephen King made a guest appearence on Letterman several years ago, and he was as funny and crazy as ever!!
From what I remember:
Letterman: So you can't have any skin exposed or the monsters under your bed will get you?
King: You must be completely covered. If even a hand or toe is exposed, whoosh!! You're gone!!
Letterman: Well, you're head's exposed - How come the monsters don't go after that?
King: You don't eat dessert first!
After that, King got bizarre and creepily weird, so I know it wasn't staged. A brillian man - too brilliant.
Kind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
The Wife Loves his stuff.......
She Has all his Books......
I'm Dyslexic so I don't read much........Unless to study for something.....
The man just speaks his mind............
His Twisted tortured mind!!!!
(http://famousmonstersoffilmland.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/carrie.jpg)
Quote from: osckilo on September 03, 2009, 08:20:25 PMQuote from: Justin_Case on September 02, 2009, 07:24:08 PM(http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh69/Scott_Loveless/great%20pic/cowbell.jpg)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2842515479568539415&ei=eX-gSsSyIYyUrQK4o9ziBA&q=cowbell&hl=en&client=firefox-a#docid=7944010049431234215
Vancadd?????????
Quote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMKind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
I agree - Good guy, though. Gives a lot back to the community. I was born in Bangor, ME where he has lived for a long time.
Quote from: osckilo on September 03, 2009, 08:24:46 PMQuote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMQuote from: launched on September 01, 2009, 05:46:11 PMStephen King made a guest appearence on Letterman several years ago, and he was as funny and crazy as ever!!
From what I remember:
Letterman: So you can't have any skin exposed or the monsters under your bed will get you?
King: You must be completely covered. If even a hand or toe is exposed, whoosh!! You're gone!!
Letterman: Well, you're head's exposed - How come the monsters don't go after that?
King: You don't eat dessert first!
After that, King got bizarre and creepily weird, so I know it wasn't staged. A brillian man - too brilliant.
Kind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
The Wife Loves his stuff.......
She Has all his Books......
I'm Dyslexic so I don't read much........Unless to study for something.....
The man just speaks his mind............
He does speak his mind! And your girl has good taste!
Quote from: launched on September 03, 2009, 09:09:46 PMQuote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMKind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
I agree - Good guy, though. Gives a lot back to the community. I was born in Bangor, ME where he has lived for a long time.
Quote from: osckilo on September 03, 2009, 08:24:46 PMQuote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMQuote from: launched on September 01, 2009, 05:46:11 PMStephen King made a guest appearence on Letterman several years ago, and he was as funny and crazy as ever!!
From what I remember:
Letterman: So you can't have any skin exposed or the monsters under your bed will get you?
King: You must be completely covered. If even a hand or toe is exposed, whoosh!! You're gone!!
Letterman: Well, you're head's exposed - How come the monsters don't go after that?
King: You don't eat dessert first!
After that, King got bizarre and creepily weird, so I know it wasn't staged. A brillian man - too brilliant.
Kind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
The Wife Loves his stuff.......
She Has all his Books......
I'm Dyslexic so I don't read much........Unless to study for something.....
The man just speaks his mind............
He does speak his mind! And your girl has good taste!
Good taste.....?
Twisted Taste......! Lol
His stuff is tame these days......
IT's A QUOTE OFF!
Ok, back to back, take 10 paces, turn, and "quote" until the last man is standing.
Here's a few Canadian jokes for y'all.
1. A baby seal walks into a club...
2. An Eskimo pushes his snowmobile into a garage. He tells the mechanic that it just quit working. The mechanic looks it over, then turns to the Eskimo and says "it looks like you blew a seal". The Esikimo says "No, that's just frost in my beard".
3. Wayne Gretzky's wife goes into a tattoo parlour. She askes the tattoo artist to do a portrait of Wayne on her left inner thigh. The artist completes the job and tells Wayne's wife to look in the mirror.
She looks in the mirror and says "that doesn't look anything like Wayne at all. Try again on the other thigh!".
The artist repeats the tattoo on the right inner thigh and tells her to look in the mirror again.
Wayne's wife is horrifed and says "neither one of these look like Wayne".
The artist disagrees and suggests that they ask a elderly customer in the waiting room for his opinion.
Wayne's wife isn't wearing any knickers, but reluctantly agrees to drop her pants in front of the old man in order to settle the argument.
They ask the old man "Who do you think these tattoos look like?"
The old man replies "I don't know who the f@ck those wingers are, but that center is Lanny McDonald!"
(Note: non-Canadians may can see Lanny here ]http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.joesportsfan.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/Circus/lannymcdonald.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.joesportsfan.com/%3Fp%3D6124&h=200&w=200&sz=13&tbnid=JJoubhuEGOwInM:&tbnh=104&tbnw=104&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlanny%2Bmcdonald&hl=en&usg=__I2vcq_KBPqMreEuV8tZ4eLJRO30=&ei=9FKhSqP-FY7aNpGeyegP&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image] (http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.joesportsfan.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/Circus/lannymcdonald.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.joesportsfan.com/%3Fp%3D6124&h=200&w=200&sz=13&tbnid=JJoubhuEGOwInM:&tbnh=104&tbnw=104&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlanny%2Bmcdonald&hl=en&usg=__I2vcq_KBPqMreEuV8tZ4eLJRO30=&ei=9FKhSqP-FY7aNpGeyegP&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image)
Quote from: Tony W on September 04, 2009, 10:45:52 AMIT's A QUOTE OFF!
Ok, back to back, take 10 paces, turn, and "quote" until the last man is standing.
You Want some Too Do ya!!!!
Lol ;D ;)
"You Want some Too Do ya!!!!" - Tharek, 2009
What does Snoop Dog use to get his white clothes whiter?
Ble-ach.
Quote from: osckilo on September 03, 2009, 09:23:02 PMQuote from: launched on September 03, 2009, 09:09:46 PMQuote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMKind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
I agree - Good guy, though. Gives a lot back to the community. I was born in Bangor, ME where he has lived for a long time.
Quote from: osckilo on September 03, 2009, 08:24:46 PMQuote from: guitarron on September 02, 2009, 07:34:57 PMQuote from: launched on September 01, 2009, 05:46:11 PMStephen King made a guest appearence on Letterman several years ago, and he was as funny and crazy as ever!!
From what I remember:
Letterman: So you can't have any skin exposed or the monsters under your bed will get you?
King: You must be completely covered. If even a hand or toe is exposed, whoosh!! You're gone!!
Letterman: Well, you're head's exposed - How come the monsters don't go after that?
King: You don't eat dessert first!
After that, King got bizarre and creepily weird, so I know it wasn't staged. A brillian man - too brilliant.
Kind of like a modern Edgar Allan Poe
The Wife Loves his stuff.......
She Has all his Books......
I'm Dyslexic so I don't read much........Unless to study for something.....
The man just speaks his mind............
He does speak his mind! And your girl has good taste!
Good taste.....?
Twisted Taste......! Lol
His stuff is tame these days......
Like EMO I have most Stephen King books ... Don't have much time reading these days tho' ..... Music and life takes too much time ;D
Oh ... are we starting another quoting pyramid ? What's on top this time ::)
"How 'bout them Pat's?" - Launched, 2009
http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8059579
"Superb Progotastic Vamp Tune!!!!!" - Osckilo, 2009
"THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR BOOBS....." -Osckilo, 2009
If we get a collab between BB, Osckilo, ORH, Bosko and Satch we get a great new progbandname ;D
(http://www.waykoolrecords.com/pics/Rare/WET.jpg)
There was a Band Called "Wet"........!
Cool!!!!!
Quote from: launched on August 29, 2009, 03:46:47 PMI had an egg shaker once, but a friend ruined it because he thought there was candy inside - Dork...
An absolute classic from another thread.
Blooby
(http://s1.b3ta.com/host/creative/66433/1251401786/steampunk808.gif)
Quote from: Ted on September 09, 2009, 02:54:02 PM(http://s1.b3ta.com/host/creative/66433/1251401786/steampunk808.gif)
???
That was a Roland TR-808 re-imagined "steampunk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk)" style.
Although it doesn't look much more archaic than the actual 808.
BTW: On the Micro BR (and other BR models I suppose), the "808" drum kit sounds like one of these.
The shoe is hurled at the 1:00 mark.
Somebody had to do it.
Quote from: Ted on September 10, 2009, 08:43:23 AMThat was a Roland TR-808 re-imagined "steampunk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk)" style.
Although it doesn't look much more archaic than the actual 808.
BTW: On the Micro BR (and other BR models I suppose), the "808" drum kit sounds like one of these.
Cool....
I do like the 808's....
Here is something that made me chuckle today....
(http://callhart.com/crazy/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/funny-cartoons-004.jpg)
Quote from: Ted on September 10, 2009, 01:57:48 PM
The shoe is hurled at the 1:00 mark.
Somebody had to do it.
f'n funny-dude was out control-made even a drum solo a welcome change up
I'll be playing a (non paying) folk/country gig on Sunday. I showed up for our only practice yesterday having not even listened to the songs I needed to learn (my musical attention had been elsewhere (https://songcrafters.org/community/index.php?topic=4417.0)).
They thought I was awesome. Made me think of this:
Quote from: Ted on August 20, 2009, 10:05:05 AMQ. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. Five. One. Five.
I took a taxi to the practice and the driver told me this one:
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Funny Ebay Ad
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120470296349 (http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120470296349)
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
lmao ! literally !
dont pump in ublic is the moral to that tale
LOL!
ORH Now THAT is funny!! ROFLMAO
here is some limmy for you just search limmy on you tube for some good scottish humour
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGBIGmgrwMo
Quote from: oldrottenhead on September 20, 2009, 04:50:32 PMhere is some limmy for you just search limmy on you tube for some good scottish humour
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGBIGmgrwMo
That was annoying.....
The People Of...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart.jpg?w=300&h=55)
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-1.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Those shoes are not blue nor are they suede.
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-2.jpg?w=300&h=187)
How am I supposed to slap a ho without an essential part of my balanced breakfast?
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-3.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Nothing says sanitary like a parrot in the produce section...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-4.jpg?w=300&h=187)
"What are you wearing sexy?" -Cowboy boots. "Ya, that's hot." – Pink velour pants.
"Ya I like that." – a little green baby girl hoodie. "Oh damn, that sounds sexy."
– and I kinda look like Gallagher. "Oh ya...wait...what?"
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-5.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Let's run through my rock star list.... Mullet? – check; big sunglasses? – check; heart shaped tattoo? – u know I love my mom; Cut jean shorts? – are there any other type of shorts?; wife beater tied at the midriff – check;..... He is an official ROCK STAR!
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-6.jpg?w=300&h=187)
I think I just sharted...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-7.jpg?w=300&h=187)
WTF???
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-8.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Is that Rainbow Brite all grown up??
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-9.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Is that a soccer ball? A map of the solar system? The structure of a sub-atomic particle?
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-10.jpg?w=300&h=187)
I have absolutely no idea what to say...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-11.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Is that a gangster leotard?
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-12.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Everyone loves the man in the yellow go-go boots!
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-13.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Nice purse!
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-14.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Do you see the flame shoes buddy? That means I will not think twice about karate chopping you Into the middle of next week!
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-15.jpg?w=300&h=187)
AHH! I love the frozen food section... it tingles!
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-16.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Umm... excuse me, sir...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-17.jpg?w=300&h=187)
At least the purse matches, right?
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-18.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Rawr...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-19.jpg?w=300&h=187)
No, honey, it's an ancient Egyptian symbol of prosperity, I swear!
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-20.jpg?w=300&h=187)
I was wondering why you suddenly smelled better.
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-21.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Every man has an NFL jersey AND pink short-shorts in their wardrobe, right?
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-22.jpg?w=300&h=187)
I have the same outfit, only in red.
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-23.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Just in case you had the urge...
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-24.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Now all we need is Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem for a reunion tour.
(http://lovethemtrue.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/walmart-25.jpg?w=300&h=187)
Yes, you are seeing that correctly. Old man + large, supple breast implants.
Funny and sad at the same time........
Some of you may not have a Wal-Mart in your community or your country. Be happy if you don't get the previous joke.
Quote from: Ted on September 20, 2009, 07:57:21 PMSome of you may not have a Wal-Mart in your community or your country. Be happy if you don't get the previous joke.
We have "Lidl".......
I get it....... Lol!
Still a sad reflection of the inner Demons which torment people around the world.....
"Pink Velour pants" is just scary.........
Reminds me of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.....
Gangsta Leotard is termed "Sag-Batty" in the U.k......... ???
How did that come into existance...?
I went through the walmart post with a fine tooth comb. I gotta admit, I was a little neverous that I.. or an immediate family member could make an appearance.
(http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh190/soundgardener75/failcabzg7-1.jpg)
;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Saijinn Maas on September 21, 2009, 02:47:54 AM(http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh190/soundgardener75/failcabzg7-1.jpg)
;D ;D ;D
Priceless !!
what with all the viking stuff going on i thought you should see this i cant help laff when i see this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-IU-NQ8c14
Quote from: oldrottenhead on September 21, 2009, 04:16:57 PMwhat with all the viking stuff going on i thought you should see this i cant help laff when i see this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-IU-NQ8c14
Awesome!!!!
nice
Quote from: Geir on September 21, 2009, 07:24:51 AMQuote from: Saijinn Maas on September 21, 2009, 02:47:54 AM(http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh190/soundgardener75/failcabzg7-1.jpg)
;D ;D ;D
Priceless !!
nice mic-maybe he was going for an off axis effect ;-)
Quote from: guitarron on September 23, 2009, 05:21:33 AMnice Quote from: Geir on September 21, 2009, 07:24:51 AMQuote from: Saijinn Maas on September 21, 2009, 02:47:54 AM(http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh190/soundgardener75/failcabzg7-1.jpg)
;D ;D ;D
Priceless !!
nice mic-maybe he was going for an off axis effect ;-)
Yeah... WAAAAAAY off axis... ;)
Quote from: Saijinn Maas on September 23, 2009, 12:22:27 PMQuote from: guitarron on September 23, 2009, 05:21:33 AMnice Quote from: Geir on September 21, 2009, 07:24:51 AMQuote from: Saijinn Maas on September 21, 2009, 02:47:54 AM(http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh190/soundgardener75/failcabzg7-1.jpg)
;D ;D ;D
Priceless !!
nice mic-maybe he was going for an off axis effect ;-)
Yeah... WAAAAAAY off axis... ;)
He was just trying to capture that raw tube sound (I mean really raw).
Perfect name for a taxi driver ...
LOL !!!
Good 1 Migs !!
(http://www.icseguess.com/uploads/images/funny-dog.jpg)
(http://www.geckoandfly.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/viagra_advertisement_funny.jpg)
Now This is Magic!
or not ...
Quote from: osckilo on September 24, 2009, 02:04:23 PMCock Pushups.
(http://www.geckoandfly.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/viagra_advertisement_funny.jpg)
Now This is Magic!
Quote from: Migs on September 24, 2009, 05:05:12 PMor not ...
Would still be magic......
Even without the Cock push up.....
ROTFLMAO You even got hubby on that one with the dog. LOLLOLLOL Maybe because we have dogs. But the pink nose and lips were hilarious. LOL
I thought it looked like Goofy.....
(http://www.richardwallich.com/graphics/variety/3goofy.jpg)
OK I don't know if I can get this to come out right, But I will try.
http://www.saggysaggy.com/photo/temp/135%20%282%29.jpg (http://www.saggysaggy.com/photo/temp/135%20%282%29.jpg)
If it works this is for Osky
I need a laugh.
Dam it didn't work.!! Jeeez I got to figure this out.
(http://www.saggysaggy.com/photo/temp/135%20(2).jpg)
I got it second time around. LOL Here are some boobs for you!!
Quote from: wiley on September 24, 2009, 08:31:25 PMOK I don't know if I can get this to come out right, But I will try.
If it works this is for Osky
I need a laugh.
Dam it didn't work.!! Jeeez I got to figure this out.
I got it second time around. LOL Here are some boobs for you!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These should be sensored. LOL
Folks, I'd rather not have to explain such gratuitous boobs to my wife.
Wasnt me!!!!!!!!!
Osky's the one that likes boobs!! lOL Just thought I would send some! LOL
There are rules about "Thread Boobing".
1)
The Nipple/Areola must never be exposed....
2)
Pictures should fall in the category:-
"Big Boobs and Long Legs"
3)
Pictures should not fall in the catergory:-
"Long Boobs and big Legs"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
ROFLMAO ROFLMAO There is no pleasing you!!
Lets change the subject.
"HOLY SHIT YOUR HOT" day
Send this to somebody gorgeous!!! But not me!! I've been getting this f**ker since I woke up this morning!!
Came on my phone!!
Quote from: wiley on September 25, 2009, 01:41:11 PMCame on my phone!!
Use rubber gloves, an alcohol-based cleaner, and a clean cloth. Wipe the phone down and let it air dry for at least an hour before touching it again.
Ok here's one that made my day. LOL This is to funny!!! http://www.devilducky.com/media/34116/ (http://www.devilducky.com/media/34116/)
I hate to leave right now but I have to go to the bar for a few drinks on that note. ;D ;D ;D
That was Great!!! :)
(http://rickbranson.com/random/saggy_boobs.jpg)
(http://adult-myspace-comments.com/adult-myspace-comments/sex/7/pics_saggy-boobs.jpg)
"Breasticals"........
(http://pics.livejournal.com/esjudem_generis/pic/0002zwz1)
(http://jezabelda.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/ar.jpg)
(http://i149.photobucket.com/albums/s69/pookisue/Funny/strange2.jpg)
(http://img300.imageshack.us/img300/2194/charlesrd5.jpg)
(http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b229/simguardian/NightAtRoxburystartrek.gif)
(http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b229/simguardian/Picardvschunk.gif)
(http://i27.tinypic.com/ivkcia.gif)
;D ;D :o :o
(http://i26.tinypic.com/aemwwn.jpg)
(http://i91.photobucket.com/albums/k311/dark_tiger_god/political-pictures-kfc-tortures-chi.jpg)
(http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a207/Chrono567/laserdog.gif)
(http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/9066/gifbinspringboardjump2.gif)
You know I can't stand that sketch show Jim....
The first one inspired the "Time of the month" tune.....
Anyway....
Here is one for 48...
(http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/8492/633761029808042110manch.jpg)
(http://i44.tinypic.com/o6cpye.jpg)
(http://img524.imageshack.us/img524/2610/wangcaster.jpg)
(http://memeparty.com/i/m/a1a7468d97b0590b173319cfb9d19527.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/sKsSpartan117/sneeze.gif)
(http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/6230/screwdrivers.jpg)
:o
(http://www.canucklehead.ca/_Media/googleuse-3.jpg)
Sorry guys even hubby thought the nut bra was the best. LOL LOL LOl He is even still laughing.
"Dang!!!!! My Nuts fell in the toilet again!!!!"
Lol!
This is an elderly couple, she is lying on her death bed. She gives her husband a key and tells him he can now look in her hope chest. He has never been allowed this. So he opens the chest. Inside he finds 10,000 dollars and 3 ears of corn. He asks her. Why 3 ears of corn? She says one for each time I cheated on you!. So he then asked her about the $10,000? She replied every time I got a bushel I went and sold it!! Farm JOke LOL
What's a bushel?
Another ridiculous unit of measure in the States.
1 US bushel = 35.239072 liters
ROFLMAO ROFLMAO Oh Oski you made my day!! sorry I am not laughing at you. I am laughing at myself. I didn't even think that you guys don't have bushels. lOL Just think of a laundry basket full of corn. lOL
What's a laundry basket? ;D
Oh....
I get it now! :)
What's a Hope chest ???
Quote from: wiley on September 29, 2009, 06:05:43 PMROFLMAO ROFLMAO Oh Oski you made my day!! sorry I am not laughing at you. I am laughing at myself. I didn't even think that you guys don't have bushels. lOL Just think of a laundry basket full of corn. lOL
Bushels were actually used in medieval times. Needless to Say, us Americans are slow to convert units of measure. Metric is the way to go with everything. Problem is, none of us know metric for crap.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3p7PKP9lBEBetty Hutton & Perry Como"A Bushel And A Peck" (1950)Written by Frank Loesser
Orchestra conducted by Mitchell Ayres
Introduced in the Broadway musical Guys and Dolls in 1950
Lyrics:
Betty:
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oddle doo
Perry: Whatcha doin' Hutton?
Betty: Doodling. Can you doodle?
Perry: Can I doodle? I can't get it outta my noodle.
Betty: How come?
Perry:
'Cause I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck (Ouch!)
Hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap
Barrel and a heap and I'm talkin' in my sleep about you
(About me?) Yes, about you
(My heart is leapin', havin' trouble sleepin')
'Cause I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oddle doo
Betty: Do you like me Perry?
Perry: Oh, very! Do you like me Hutton?
Betty: Like a glutton!
Perry: So where's your Como button?
Betty:
I love you a bushel and a peck (How much?)
A bushel and a peck though you make my heart a wreck
Make my heart a wreck and you make my life a mess
Make my life a mess, yes a mess of happiness about you
(About me?) Yes, about you
(You're gonna grieve me, if you ever leave me)
'Cause I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oddle doo
Perry: Hey, it's getting a little quiet around here.
Betty: Oh, we can fix that Perry boy, let's go!
Both:
I love you a bushel and a peck
A bushel and a peck and it beats me all to heck
Beats me all to heck how I'll ever tend the farm
Ever tend the farm when I wanna keep my arm about you
About you
The cows and chickens
Let 'em go to the dickens
'Cause I love you a bushel and a peck
You bet your pretty neck I do
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oddle doo
Perry: It's getting kinda quiet again!
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oddle doo
Perry: An octave lower please.
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oodle
Doodle oodle oddle doo
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like another language!!!!!
Cool Tune though....
Grows on ya!
Can't get it out of my Noodle........
My mother used to sing part of this to me when I was a tyke. I never knew where this came from.
That was a treat. Kinda freaky as well.
Blooby
Quote from: Blooby on September 29, 2009, 08:43:29 PMMy mother used to sing part of this to me when I was a tyke. I never knew where this came from.
That was a treat. Kinda freaky as well.
Blooby
You said "Tyke"...
Quote from: launched on September 29, 2009, 09:52:57 PMYou said "Tyke"...
Okay, Beavis, I had to look up what's funny about "tyke."
Quote from: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tyketyke
Generally, a somewhat tongue in cheek way of describing a Male to Female transgender person who will only date other Male to Female Transgender persons. From "T"ransgender and Dyke.
Quote from: Ted on September 30, 2009, 11:12:28 AMQuote from: launched on September 29, 2009, 09:52:57 PMYou said "Tyke"...
Okay, Beavis, I had to look up what's funny about "tyke."
Quote from: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tyketyke
Generally, a somewhat tongue in cheek way of describing a Male to Female transgender person who will only date other Male to Female Transgender persons. From "T"ransgender and Dyke.
I'll have to say I find that definition amazing and funny at the same time. Wish I could say that I'm worldly enough to know that particular term, but I was referring to the traditional "little shaver" definition. Tyke isn't used a lot around here - We use "young fullah" or "little guy" quite a bit.
So I thought it was amusing - Similar to when I amuse people by saying "tad", "dite" or "right on screech".
I'm digging a hole for myself now. I can feel it...
Who would come up with that definition. Jeez... :D
Don't feel bad Launched, I didn't know it by that definition either.!! I'm with you!!
damn you ohr-i knew it was coming and i still freaked-lol
I didn't know what was coming and it scared the shit out of me!!! and of course I turned the volume way up as it was hard to hear!! Thanks ORH now I am going to be afraid to go to bed tonight!! My hearts still going thumpity thump
P.I.S.S.
I Will Never Go To School
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we
don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth
between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out
flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me.
I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not
convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and
says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar
tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely
shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come
on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon
takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution
of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an
upscale correctional facility.
I wish I understood music well enough to get that joke.......
Very cool though Bro!
It was pretty good!! lOL
Quotedamn you ohr-i knew it was coming and i still freaked-lol
QuoteI didn't know what was coming and it scared the shit out of me!!! and of course I turned the volume way up as it was hard to hear!! Thanks ORH now I am going to be afraid to go to bed tonight!! My hearts still going thumpity thump
my mate emailed me this i was face up the screen trying to get a better view, not had such a fright not since going to see carrie and the hand coming out the grave at the end.
lol i left my seat for a moment
It was a good one!!lOL
QuoteIt was a good one!!lOL
no more like sol
swear out loud
Quote from: Ted on October 01, 2009, 08:27:16 AMP.I.S.S.
I Will Never Go To School
Seriously people: Scroll up and watch this video. I've watched it four times and I'm still cracking up.
QuoteSeriously people: Scroll up and watch this video. I've watched it four times and I'm still cracking up.
kiss where never this good lmao
sorry guys I willl watch Kiss tomorrow . Takes to long to load. My connection is still slow.
Quote from: Ted on October 01, 2009, 08:27:16 AMP.I.S.S.
I Will Never Go To School
I'm crying right now. Good lord, the first minute of that or so was funny.
Blooby
Here's some sacrilege for you.
Was that an Actual Track?
Works Well! Lol!!
Quote from: Blooby on October 01, 2009, 06:58:27 PMQuote from: Ted on October 01, 2009, 08:27:16 AMP.I.S.S.
I Will Never Go To School
I'm crying right now. Good lord, the first minute of that or so was funny.
Blooby
Here's some sacrilege for you.
That's not sacrilege for
me. However, Greeny may need medical attention.
Press this if you need to Mr Green...
(http://www.thebull.com.au/admin/uploads/news/374_nota_panic%20button.jpg)
Let's Pray Bosko doesn't find that video.... ;)
Quote from: Blooby on October 01, 2009, 06:58:27 PMHere's some sacrilege for you.
Just brilliant !!! Love both songs, but would never have thought of combining them. (and of course I don't have access to just the vocal-tracks of mr Lee Roth 8) )
Quote from: Geir on October 02, 2009, 08:21:53 AMI don't have access to just the vocal-tracks of Mr. Lee Roth.
http://www.thetyser.com/ (http://www.thetyser.com/)
Quote from: Blooby on October 02, 2009, 04:39:27 PMQuote from: Geir on October 02, 2009, 08:21:53 AMI don't have access to just the vocal-tracks of Mr. Lee Roth.
http://www.thetyser.com/ (http://www.thetyser.com/)
wtf !!
I stand corrected !!
Quote from: Geir on October 03, 2009, 05:13:27 AMQuote from: Blooby on October 02, 2009, 04:39:27 PMQuote from: Geir on October 02, 2009, 08:21:53 AMI don't have access to just the vocal-tracks of Mr. Lee Roth.
http://www.thetyser.com/ (http://www.thetyser.com/)
wtf !!
I stand corrected !!
I just spent 30 minutes playing on that site......
me too !!!!!
Fun! ain't it ? !!!
I might try and record a song with it later!
Quote from: osckilo on October 03, 2009, 08:20:29 AMI might try and record a song with it later!
Go for it!!!!
LOL That time don't seem to far away sometimes ;)
Damn Ted that is a great find!
"A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazyas this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses rushed into the room. " What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I dunno. I guess she choked."
;D ;D ;D
LOL LOL LOL Funny Sai LOL LOL LOL
Two trees and a woodpecker.
It is hard to find a joke today without a
dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you
tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Now wipe that smile off your face.
Quote from: wiley on October 05, 2009, 06:33:04 PMTwo trees and a woodpecker.
It is hard to find a joke today without a
dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you
tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Now wipe that smile off your face.
So funny, especially since I've been in the woods non-stop cutting up dead/fallen trees for the winter!
You should give up the tree cutting and just buy a corn burner. Thats what we have. You know you live in corn country. LOL Nice and warm without the mess.
P.j.
I'm not a fan of buying, unless its an instrument, or a toy. And my neighbors kicked me out of their cornfields for harvesting early....
This is the funniest thing I have heard all day!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8296016.stm
Now this has to be a Joke! Our weather men said SNOW this weekend. THAT can't be. We are going camping and taking out the docks. I think I am in SHOCK!!
Quote from: osckilo on October 07, 2009, 04:00:24 PMThis is the funniest thing I have heard all day!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8296016.stm
Funny thing is that our military didn't surrender or run away !
Quote from: danieldesete on October 07, 2009, 04:17:46 PMQuote from: osckilo on October 07, 2009, 04:00:24 PMThis is the funniest thing I have heard all day!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8296016.stm
Funny thing is that our military didn't surrender or run away !
Even worse, any member of the UN could have made that joke and got away with it!
Quote from: osckilo on October 07, 2009, 04:00:24 PMThis is the funniest thing I have heard all day!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8296016.stm
That's pretty good. But I think this one, which I found linked on the same page, is even funnier!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8281382.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8281382.stm)
Quote from: 64Guitars on October 07, 2009, 04:55:21 PMQuote from: osckilo on October 07, 2009, 04:00:24 PMThis is the funniest thing I have heard all day!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8296016.stm
That's pretty good. But I think this one, which I found linked on the same page, is even funnier!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8281382.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8281382.stm)
"When you have the chick - I want you to call it Stephen for me."
I'd call it dinner!! ;D
Because there's room in this world for all of God's creatures - Right next to the mashed potatoes...
LOL!!!!!
And I thought only women could f*ck with your head. ;D
(Sorry - no offense intended for any women who may stumble across this)
A new ending to an old tale
The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
The three little piggies said "F**k off or We'll sneeze on you..."
Quote from: StevieM on October 10, 2009, 02:20:46 PMA new ending to an old tale
The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
The three little piggies said "F**k off or We'll sneeze on you..."
LOL!!!!!!!
A wealthy old gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "
Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
:D :D
ROFLMAO That is great !!! ROFLMAO
:)
Saijinn! A joke I can tell my stepkids! And a funny one too!
Sound familiar??
Oh To Be 12 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked...
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
LOL
I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo-
The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Uh, yeah. You did you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
- The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The Sermon
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face said, "Without you we are but dust... "
He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was actually listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
ROFLMAO YOu guys are way to funny.!! I wait for these posts. Day to day. lOL
haaaaaaaaaaaa - these are just tooooo funny !!!!
Why guitars are better than women:
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
You can play your Guitar any time of the month
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Here's one of my all time favorite jokes:
FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE:
A guitarist dies and is quite pleased to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went...
the "other" way..."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.
Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen"
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
hahahahaaaaaaaaa -brilliant
is this where we end up???? workin for the man ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8woueomEZZw&feature=related#
You're riding a horse full speed, a Giraffe is beside you, Elephant in front, and a Lion behind. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel!!
Quote from: wileywiley (https://songcrafters.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=1337)
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Posts: 1910
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My friends made me do it!!
Your friends made you break into Elton John's house?
Nice pic, and nice threads, PJ.
LOL ON facebook I was getting teased about going to the disco. So I posted my cowboy pic, and bike pic and told them to decide. LOL
A drummer walks into a music store. "I'm putting a band together and I need some gear. I'll take that drum set, that accordian and that trumpet."
The sales guys looks around and says, "you can have the drums, but the radiator and the fire extinguisher aren't for sale."
36 RULES FOR BANDS
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit". 36. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
This rocks.
It's funny.
But it's not funny.
Quote from: Davo on October 18, 2009, 12:54:00 PMplaying slide guitar with a beer bottle.
ummm-the only one i object to- i especially like Heineken bottles,
bic lighters and spark plug sockets are ok i hope
Quote16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
Ouch! That hurts! "Battles of the Bands" ruled in the 80's! ;D
That is how I got to have my only "studio" experience.
You can listen to the results here: Blast from the past (https://songcrafters.org/forum/index.php?topic=4680.0)
Damn funny list though. Now I'm going to go sit in my car and cry. :'(
Quote from: Vanncad on October 23, 2009, 08:21:45 PMQuote16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
Ouch! That hurts! "Battles of the Bands" ruled in the 80's! ;D
That is how I got to have my only "studio" experience.
You can listen to the results here: Blast from the past (https://songcrafters.org/forum/index.php?topic=4680.0)
Damn funny list though. Now I'm going to go sit in my car and cry. :'(
From what I have seen in Bill and Teds excellent journey-battle of the bands were huge:)
Thats a great song!
Quote from: Davo on October 24, 2009, 04:27:07 AMFrom what I have seen in Bill and Teds excellent journey-battle of the bands were huge:)
That movie was a documentary.
Parts of that movie were filmed in the Phoenix area, BTW. One of the production crew came to the print shop where I worked and ordered some odds and ends that appeared in the film--such as the Waterloop tickets and the big button Napoleon earns by eating a ice cream big sundae. I made those. Yes, I'm famous.
Can I have your autograph then Ted? :D
Anyone else done stuff for film/tv?
Earlier this year I had to make some bowls and bits and pieces for a film, the new Robin Hood with Russel Crowe. I didn't know what it was for when I gave them a price, thought it was just a little educational thing or something. When I found out what it was I said a few naughty words, could have quadrupled the price and they wouldn't have batted an eyelid!!! Oh well, next time maybe.
I had to deliver it to one of the sets, and there were a couple of trimmed logs about 6' long by about 18'square-------the set was in the middle of a bloody great forest!!!!! Surreal or what??
It's the same place the start of Gladiator was filmed.
Soupy Sales (R.I.P.) and Alice Cooper
Quote from: Ted on October 26, 2009, 07:48:26 PMSoupy Sales (R.I.P.) and Alice Cooper
thanks for that-i grew up watching soupy-and alice too
Quote from: Ted on October 23, 2009, 10:53:07 AMThis rocks.
It's funny.
But it's not funny.
number 2 for brains-funny
QuoteNever name your band after a song.
oops jemima's kite have a song called it's jemima's kite.
2 Maggots playing Chess, one says to the other." its boring this is'nt it"
the other one says "yes but its better than fishing" :D :D :D[
;D ;D ;D
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen
minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said , "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word
with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greenkeeper replied , "Oh, yes..That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year.
We always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said , "That's so sad . I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The Doctor said , "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied , "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade
Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said , "Why kin they no play at night?
Haaa - that's a funny one !!!
In this life I am a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate you get to eat everything you see. I could also deal with that.
When you're a girl bear you birth your children, who are the size of walnuts. while you're sleeping. When you awake they are partially gown, cute, cuddly little cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a momma bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat at anyone who bothers your little cubs, and they listen to you. I could deal with that.
If your'e a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yes, i could definitely deal with that!!!
;D
Prog rock explained, this is too funny. (http://www.cracked.com/funny-2359-progressive-rock/)
progrock in a nutshel lmao
too funny indeed ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
That's funny as all hell!
I guess I didn't really know what "prog" meant.
Thanks for clearing that up BluesBerry!
P.S. - I always though of "Tom Sawyer" as rock?
i loved the Hocus Pcus video-that singer really spazzes out-lol
The cover of the Mushroom Sword album was a great way to start the day. Wooby-woo, my ribs are killing me now.
Bloody hell, where did I put that new Transatlantic disc?
Blooby
Scathing and useful at the same time. Thank you, Cracked.com!
I think I'll go out on the sidewalk and yodel for a while.
Eeeeeeeeeeecoliiiiiiiiiii
This is from the Fast Show and I really liked these 'does anyone fancy a pint'-sketches.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4EjX_bywCU
honest guys this is not me, well not that i can recall
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNL610tYqdk
ROFLMAO good one ORH.
Quote from: oldrottenhead on November 06, 2009, 02:25:00 PMhonest guys this is not me, well not that i can recall
Have you seen this version?
Quote from: Ted on November 07, 2009, 08:50:49 PMQuote from: oldrottenhead on November 06, 2009, 02:25:00 PMhonest guys this is not me, well not that i can recall
Have you seen this version?
The piano makes the situation much less of a sad reflection on our society....
Cool...
How to come home and not get into trouble!!
This man has been out on the town drinking. He comes home and tries to sneak in the house. He's very quiet, gets into bed and his wife gives him hell!!. The next night he goes out on the town gets drunk, comes home, makes all kind of noise. Jumps into bed, slaps his wife on the butt and says lets have a little. She pretends she's asleep.
Hmmm? 8)
Dear Crazy-As-Bat-S***-Lady
Provo, UT 84606 – Sep 29, 2009
Dear Crazy-As-Bat-S***-Lady:
I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.
Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:
1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up.
2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure.
3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge.
4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.
5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.
6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap.
7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-s***-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there.
8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.
Yours truly,
The mini-fridge seller
If you can't find
the book you want,
you're probably shopping
at the ...
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(https://songcrafters.org/64guitars/Images/Jokes/bookstore.jpg)
ROFLMAO ROFLMAO
ROFHMHLMAO (ouch thats gonna leave a mark!)
This is for real!!
I was in the bar Sat. night. The bartender had on a t-shirt and down the back it said "I like boobs" over and over again. Of course I thought of Oskillo!!. Well the pizza delivery guy was sitting next to me and we were talking away. I looked at him and asked what part of a woman do you like. The boobs?, the ass?, the legs? etc. He looked at me and thought a second and said "That's a stupid question! There isn't any part of a woman that I don't like!!" I surely wasn't expecting that answer!! Had me laughing till the tears flowed. I thought it was a very good answer. lOL
The Beatles Remembered In The Year 3000
Did I just watch that? ;D
Yep, I did!!!!
I can't believe I watched it either :)
Tops my list of favorite comedy sketches and short films...from the wonderfully warped mind of Bruce McCulluch.
To me, this film is constructed like a great song - mood, tempo, structure, repeating hook, has the "spook" factor...definitely Lynch influenced...enjoy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiGRpm6Tf3I
...and for a quick laugh this one can't be beat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-EgbhdcSKc
Quote from: Ted on November 24, 2009, 09:13:23 AMThe Beatles Remembered In The Year 3000
Now that was ironically funny! :D
Ironic because history, or what passes for it such as "an objective view of a past event or personality" - is really in the end just a large version of the game Telephone. The message received at the end of after all the players have added their take to it is usually quite different than the original message.
So it's probably even a somewhat accurate forecast as well. :)
Quote from: Gritter on November 24, 2009, 02:23:42 PMTops my list of favorite comedy sketches and short films...from the wonderfully warped mind of Bruce McCulluch.
To me, this film is constructed like a great song - mood, tempo, structure, repeating hook, has the "spook" factor...definitely Lynch influenced...enjoy.
Ahh, a keen sense of humor!! Bruce McCullough is awesome! One of my faves as well, split 50/50 with this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFEUy8NzazE
QuoteAhh, a keen sense of humor!! Bruce McCullough is awesome! One of my faves as well, split 50/50 with this one:
yup...I'm with you Mark! a classic!
..oh and don't forget "My Horrible Secret".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpvBdf40uy0
Free love on the free love freeway!
from The Office (original).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JitDWQI9qcRicky Gervais is such a talent!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VN_6hF1eFk(http://4.media.tumblr.com/dMRnBANbqqs7x24diMV4EiEmo1_400.jpg)
Great clips. I still like the original 'The Office' with Ricky better than the remake.
What, was Ricky Gervais channeling Bowie through the Thompson Twins in that last video? :D
Quote from: Gritter on November 25, 2009, 12:56:03 PMFree love on the free love freeway!
from The Office (original).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JitDWQI9qc
Ricky Gervais is such a talent!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VN_6hF1eFk
(http://4.media.tumblr.com/dMRnBANbqqs7x24diMV4EiEmo1_400.jpg)
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you? Yep, the little girl said, he sure did! The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a 5 dollar ticket for a safety violation and said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you? Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top! ;)
Pac Man deserved a golf ball in the ass, and maybe a club over the head!
(http://cdn-i.dmdentertainment.com/funpages/cms_content/18417/RIAA_final.jpg)
Quote from: http://www.cracked.com/funny-2153-riaa/RIAA's methods of identifying individual users has, in some cases, led to the issuing of subpoenas to a dead grandmother, an elderly computer novice, and even those without any computers at all.
A Day in America According to a (Baffled) ForeignerBy Tim Cameron
Quote from: http://www.cracked.com/article_18406_a-day-in-america-according-to-baffled-foreigner.htmlClothes, you'll be relieved to know, all have the same names in America. The only trouble is that those names refer to different clothes. To make things easier, here is a little table categorising the main differences.
(http://cdn-www.cracked.com/phpimages/article/9/2/7/17927.jpg?v=1)
Elephant to a naked man ,,,
Can you breath through that !!!!
PJD1
after hearing geirs walk like a norwegian it reminded me of peter cook, he would get bored of an evening and phone his local radio phone in show pretending to be a norwegian called sven.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPJK2zKtAxQ
Peter Cook as Drimble Wedge & The Vegetations...with Dudley Moore from one of my favourite British films:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au9_vfx6t6c
peter cook or bill hicks i cant pick which is my favourite saying that little dud is underated in my estimation too. here is one of pete and dud at there best sadly the bbc taped over most of there shows because videotape was so expensive, they taped over them with the horse of the year show. apparently the only reason we have all the monty python shows is that they sneaked them out and copied them
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmp6DDnbX2g
Man, I love 'Bedazzled' - the song (which I heard first), and the movie.
You fill me with inertia...
Quote from: Gritter on February 02, 2010, 03:25:31 PMPeter Cook as Drimble Wedge & The Vegetations...with Dudley Moore from one of my favourite British films:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Au9_vfx6t6c
how do you make a duck sing ?
stick it in the oven till its bill withers !
(http://webmail.ntlworld.com/do/mail/message/document.jpg;jsessionid=abcBS6prQnuxPhW8GPGCs?msgId=INBOXDELIM23858&part=2)
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Japanese. It works.
Quote from: oldrottenhead on March 02, 2010, 06:05:51 PM(http://webmail.ntlworld.com/do/mail/message/document.jpg;jsessionid=abcBS6prQnuxPhW8GPGCs?msgId=INBOXDELIM23858&part=2)
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Japanese. It works.
No pic :(
i see the pic in my post and your reply mmm
does this work
(http://www.funfunkypages.com/eyetest/nosex.gif)
I see it now! LOL
(http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson24.jpg) (http://survivingtheworld.net)
A little boy goes to his father and says, "Hey Dad, am I descended from monkeys?".
His father looks at him, long and hard, then says, "I don't know, boy, I never met all your mother's family".
Gene
I was in the super-market a few months ago and saw the woman who lives next door buying dog biscuits. I said, "Hi, have you guys got a new dog?" She replied, "No, they're for my husband. He eats them". I said "For gods sake, you can't feed him those. They'll kill him!" She said, "No no, he's been eating them for years".
I saw her again last week and she told me her husband had died. I said "I told you those dog biscuits would kill him."
She said.."No it wasn't the biscuits......he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls and a truck hit him".
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "so, why the long face?"
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
I actually found this a bit amusing... ;D
(http://i.imgur.com/1zA2M.jpg)
(http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kzzusuNJk11qzi6sbo1_500.png)
via: http://hidekiryuga.tumblr.com/post/480123870
Coolest plumber's truck I've ever seen. :D
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_uE1n8xARdX4/SKazw0zU6jI/AAAAAAAAIH0/bvNzOKo2s-Q/s400/image001.jpg)
What's the difference between a member of the Millenial generation and a Baby Boomer? Millenials know how use technology. Boomers know how to spell it.
So, how do I post this on the innernet?
.
.
As Seen on TVOperators are standing by...
Lol. I'm like that all the time. Nice one Ted!
I need a new guitar stand. Talk about a G.A.S. attack.
(http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129157256653300032.jpg)
(http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/5/pyzamfreeairguitar.jpg)
Caught this in someone's signature on a car forum... Made me laugh...
(http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/4651/bannedpermabanned.gif)
Quote from: Saijinn Maas on May 05, 2010, 01:02:59 AMCaught this in someone's signature on a car forum... Made me laugh...
(http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/4651/bannedpermabanned.gif)
HAHAHAHA!! .................PRICELESS!!
(http://warehousecomic.com/comic/theWAREHOUSE_comic_539.jpg)
Movie Test
This maths test can predict your all-time most-watched movie. Mine was
"Gone with the wind".
Try it without looking at the answers. It's easy and really works:
Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply that by 3.
Add those two digits together.
Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.
Your movie is:
1. Gone With The Wind.
2. Aliens..
3. Dances With Wolves.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump..
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Doctor Zhivago.
9. The Joy Of Anal Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys from Scotland..
10. Mary Poppins.
I'm an engineer :)
I guess i should be glad i did bad in math now!!
LMAO!!!
Wait... What... Oh.. okay.. Wait!
LOL Too funny...
Killer Biscuits
(https://songcrafters.org/community/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=4096.0;attach=7218)
These two really dumb guys decide to go hunting in the woods for deer. They come across several deer but missed all of them.
After spending all morning with nothing to show for it, first guy says to the other, "I'm starving, let's head home."
The second guy agrees, so they start to head back to where they thought they had left the car, but it was not there. They were lost.
So the second guy says, "I read in a book that if you get lost, fire two shots in the air and help will come."
So they fire two shots in the air. Two hours pass by and no help comes. So they fire another two shots in the air. Two more hours go by and still no help has come.
So the second guy says, "What the hell?! It says fire two shots in the air and help will come, but no help has come."
So the first guy says, "Maybe we should fire four shots in the air instead of two."
And the second guy says, "OK, BUT THIS BETTER WORK! 'CAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF ARROWS!!!"
::) ::) ::)
:P
Walked past a restaurant last night and on the window it said - 'Order anything you want, if we don't have it, we'll pay you $500'.
I went in and ordered 'Giraffes kneecaps on toast'.
A short while later, the waiter returned with a check for $500 in my name and said "It's your lucky day, we're out of bread."
I dont know how many this one will offend... but here goes..
3 guys walk into a bar, a child molestor, a homo and a priest
then the other two walk in.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Why have babies got soft spots in the tops of their heads?
So if there's a fire in the Hospital, they can be carried out ten at a time.
henwrench
LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
Spider bump!! nobody's cracked a joke on here since 2010???!!!
Here's one for 2013 an Alaskan joke
Three Alaska natives go to a party... in order to gain access they have to be dressed as an emotion.
None of them came prepared so they went scrambling to their vehicles to find something to decorate themselves...
The first native finds a can of red spray paint under his seat and paints himself red... he immediately goes to the bouncer for entry to the party... When question what he was supposed to be... he replied " I am red with rage"... and he was granted entry
The second native finds a can of green spray pain and paints himself green... He immediately goes to the bouncer for entry... When questioned what he was supposed to be... he replied " I am green with Envy".... and he was granted entry.
The third native finds a teddy bear that his little girl had left lying in the front seat... In a flash of brilliance the man strips down naked and puts the bear over his privates and immediately goes to the bouncer for entry... When asked what the heck he was supposed to be the native replied " I am deep in disbear"
"Bud dump pshhhh"
Ha ha I wondered what you Alaskans do with your nine months of darkness and cold !