Fight! (subtitle: A narrative about rednecks)

[Blooby]

True story.

So I'm at my first ever open mic night on Wednesday in a %hithole bar (I was there once before, and three different people wanted to pick fights.  No exaggeration.).  Anyway, I'm sitting in with the house band, playing that Kid Rock/Sweet Home Alabamaish song (D...D...C...C...G...G...).  There is no stage to speak of.  We are simply shoved in a corner of the seating area.  The "dance floor" area suddenly parts, and two guys square off.  The singer says something like, "C'mon, brothers.  No need for any violence.  How about settling this over a brew?"  Meanwhile, we continue to play, perhaps subconsciously trying to soothe the flaring tempers with our mellifluous endeavors (D...D...C...C...G...G...). The pushing starts getting a little more violent.  The profanity gets a little heat behind it (D...D...C...C...G...G...).  One guy really starts to shove, and they end up arm/head-locked.  The singer now says something like, "It's not worth getting the police involved.  Can't we all just get along?  Bruce, take that solo downtown now!  Yee-haw!  Sheeeiiiitttt!!!"  

I attempt a solo while watching the floor show, and then they start cartwheeling toward me.  At this point, I stop playing my semi-hollow, and with Wonder Woman-like acumen, deflect them away.  Meanwhile, the band are deep into D...D...C...C...G...G...D...D...C...C...G...G.

Instead of breaking up the fight or even whooping and hollering, people just crane their necks and take the occasional swig of beer or handful of beer nuts.  After the deflection, I end up putting my guitar against the wall in order to keep it out of harm's way.  I turn back around to see one guy piledrive the other into the fold-out table/buffet stand.  Chicken wings, Swedish meatballs, and the ever-ubiquitous beanie-weanies all somersault into the air, much of it landing on my guitar case.  I think the arcing food mesmerizes my bandmates du jour because this is when I believe I cease to hear music (D...D...C.......).

People make a half-assed attempt to break up the fight, and I believe this is when the school administrator in me surfaces. I step in and end up pulling off one of the guys, pushing him around a corner (first rule of breaking up a fight is to get them out of the line of sight of one another).  Then I get to hear, "Get your Mother&ucking hands off of me.  He stole me, man!  He stole me!"  I work in a middle school.  I'm supposed to be "hip to the lingo," but all I can think is what a dumb %hit.

I get one headed toward the door.  Some others herd the second guy.  It's been about a minute or so since this has begun, and quite literally, a staff member is already mopping the floor.  I go back to the stage, and while I am putting the guitar back on, the singer says, "Now that that unpleasantness is over...1...2...1...2...3...4..." and we go right back into the song (D...D...C...C...G...G...).

I say my goodbye's after another couple songs ("Secret Agent Man" and a Traffic tune that escapes me at the moment), and as I am getting back into my car, a large pick-up truck (an F-250 or thereabouts) screeches into the lot, not bothering to park in a spot.  Two big guys get out and walk purposely toward the building.  When they get close, they split up and go into both entrances at once.  I assume they are there to even the score.  I adjust my mirrors and drive off.

The band contacts me the next day to see if I want to join them permanently.

I politely decline.

Blooby

[Oldrottenhead]

what is a beanie weanie?

[Oldrottenhead]

and when is the book coming out, i'd read it, jings i'd buy it

[Blooby]

Sorry, I apparently can't spell alternative meat products correctly.

[Saijinn Maas]

Sounds like a good ole night of some Rock n Roll to me!!!   

[Tony W]

Being a reformed redneck, I have a strange sense of elation reading this story. It's like hitting rock bottom as a person, then Watching Jerry Springer and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of relief comes over you, knowing that no matter how bad it gets, there's always people way more F**ked up around.

[Gnasty]

Rock`n Roll and Beanie Weenies!! Hahahahahah!!!!

[Rata-tat-tat]

Blooby get back in there and get yourself killed for christ sakes.... it's only rock n roll. Just kiddin... great story. I have to post one of mine.

[OsCKilO]

What a great Time!!!!!



Now Thats an open mic!!!!!!


You rule Bruce!!!!!!!

[Greeny]

Wish I could have been there. Sounds like a good night out! Lol. But definitely the kind of place you don't want to take a decent guitar (or girl!) to!!!!