Did you hear the one about...?

[Speed Demon]

A small boy goes to his father and says, "Hey Dad, am I descended from monkeys?"
His father stares at him for a minute, then says, "I don't know boy, I never met all your mother's family".

Question: What is 35 feet long and smells like piss and shit?
  Answer: The conga line at an old folks home.

Question: What is plastic and has twelve green tits?
 Answer: The trash can at a breast cancer clinic.

A few Demonisms:
If Noah had two of every animal and insect on his Ark, why didn't he have the good sense to slap at least one of those mosquitoes? What the hell are they doing for us besides spreading West Nile and Malaria?

And, if  Noah payed any attention to the water level in the bilges, maybe he should have deep-sixed the beavers and woodpeckers.

I stayed up late every night for twenty years, developing a cure for Insomnia.
I spent ten years inventing a liquid that would dissolve anything, only to find I didn't have anything to keep it in.
I am currently working on a cure that no one has found a disease for.

I'll be back!