Joke time

[StevieM]

Sound familiar??



Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.


What a day!


He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.


Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.


Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.


What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked...

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'



The moral of the story:


Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Wiley]

LOL

[Davo]

I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"

So this guy goes into a store walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Mashall HiWatt 360 watt ampflicator and a fender Geetar with the fried rose tremolo-
The guy stops him right there and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Uh, yeah. You did you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

[Saijinn Maas]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
• The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Saijinn Maas]

The Sermon

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face said, "Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was actually listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[Wiley]

ROFLMAO  YOu guys are way to funny.!!  I wait for these posts. Day to day. lOL

[Satchwood]

haaaaaaaaaaaa - these are just tooooo funny !!!!   

[Satchwood]

Why guitars are better than women:

You can share your Guitar with your friends.

Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played

Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.

Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.

Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.

Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.

Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.

Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.

You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.    

You can play your Guitar any time of the month

If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.

[Satchwood]

Here's one of my all time favorite jokes:

FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE:

A guitarist dies and is quite pleased to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." and the guitarist is totally over the moon.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went...
the "other" way..."

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen"

[Saijinn Maas]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"