Some say -Feat Dave Purssord on Lead

[Mojo1961]

This is simply beautiful.


Martin

[SE]

Looking out of my window at the trees swaying in the breeze on a bright sunny day listening to this fantastic tune took me to a great place.
                               
                                                                  thanks    john

[OsCKilO]

Thank you for the compliments on the track.
This song means a lot to me.

It is the first song I have recorded since my New Born Son, Ethan James Imaan Ali-Mokbul, passed away in his sleep in the early hours of the 1st of May 2012. He was a fit, healthy and alert child which made this unexpected ordeal the greatest of blows to us.  

Ethan with his big brother Saul.

The last song that I released was just before Ethan was born (The Bitter Suite), which was a fanfare of sorts to his arrival. The first half of the piece was a reflection on all the troubles we had conquered in getting through life as a family of three.  The second half was an ode to the life that we all were going to craft around the new arrival, and the fact that we had reached the start of the most amazing chapters of our lives, since our last,  a new addition to the Family.

Ethan Arrived in April via C-Section at our Local Hospital.
From the moment he opened his eyes and fixed his gaze with mine, I knew him. I remember  a new experience of feeling a Love Identical to the love you feel for your other Kid, but unique and for another little person. It was a truly amazing experience suddenly discovering this endless source of love that a person can have for their kids. I wondered what it would feel like having two kids, and how I would go about dividing my love between them. Never did I think I could feel more Love than I felt for my first son. But then you find it just grows and is an abundant entity!
I was filled with a new strength and peace from his arrival, and a feeling of utter contentment from the gift of being able to finally give our 4 year old son, Saul, a little brother. I was also Looking forward to sharing a life with my New boy!
We Spent Nineteen Glorious days together, letting him meet the family and our extended family of friends.
We Melted into being our new life, so happy.
Our Family of four was now here and our hearts full of a love so strong we wondered how we could process all the new memories. All of them seemed so important at the time. And now they are more precious than anything in this world to us.
That Kid really let us know how many friends we had, and cemented them into our hearts when we were showered with their kindness when Ethan was born.  

His life further etched their places in our hearts when he left us. The support we have received from our friends has been a most humbling experience.  They (you) were and remain a true provision to us.



Liz chose Ethan's Christian name meaning "strong", "firm" ,I chose his middle name , Imaan, which is the Islamic concept of belief in God or "Faith".
When Ethan was seven days old, I wrote a Poem about Faith Entitled "i'll stay deluded" (See PDF below).  I was nursing him during a night feed and saw how perfect he was and thought moments like that were heaven sent. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops, but didn't at the time as it was probably best not to wake the family.  It was also Too late to record a song by any standard.  So I sat there in the dim light of our only bedroom with my new son and wrote the Soliloquy on my iPhone.
During the work/rant, I debate with myself in relation to the harm in having a little faith whilst I live my life, be it Christianity, Islam or anything else for that matter. Just Faith in a creator ....


Ethan made me want to become more spiritual for some reason when he was here.  It was inexplicable and still is. I have felt like I have had to put my faith on the back burner for most of my adulthood as it seemed to be in conflict with other aspects of my life where it could have become a barrier.  

I remember when Liz was pregnant with Ethan and debating a faith related subject on facebook one day. She felt belittled when someone rubbished her views around the place of alternative medicine within the NHS.
It was the case at the time,  that if you rely on the belief in something "unseen" in order to validate an opinion, it will remain lacking in grounds by today's standards.. This is completely understandable in today's world where proof is of increasing value, and too many have been hurt by a lack of cohesion between different religious denominations.

It almost felt as if the Poem was an affirmation to myself as to my faith, and also list of observations I have noticed during my life in relation to the less beneficial side of issues regarding faith.

Ethan gave me the drive to finally put to paper my position on the matter, in a manner that satisfied my need to say it to myself.

We then spent the Best of times together in the remaining days we had. Everything seemed bathed in a warm open feeling as we enjoyed the love of our friends and family as they visited Ethan.
Nothing could spoil the feeling. Even on the morning of the last day of his life, when I had occasion to find myself assisting the injured after a serious traffic accident. I had Just Dropped Saul Off at School. We were early for a change, and had we have been two minutes later, we would have been standing in front of a vehicle being reversed at speed through parked cars, street furniture and passersby.  I was in two minds to act when I saw the car, as I was (and still am) suffering with Labyrinthitus and haven't been able to walk properly due to lack of balance.  I remember running after the vehicle, dizzy but determined and grabbing the keys out of the ignition just as it came to rest after it had hit a wall and a pedestrian. It was Bucking in and out of the demolished wall with the driver terrified at the wheel.  After the situation was under control and every one that needed it had received medical assistance, I remember thinking "That moment of chaos could have been the last for many a person today. I'm gonna go home and enjoy some time with my wife and Baby Son.  Stuff like that really makes you appreciate what you got..."


The day proceeded stunningly.
As Liz got Ethan dressed, I was recording an Idea for a Kids Tune for Him in the garden, as the sun shone down and the breeze cooled it's heat. Ethan always got fussy when he was being changed but was a happy, loving and quiet baby. I think I only ever heard him cry twice in 19 days. This was the second, and I remember thinking the recording would be a nice keepsake to let him listen to when he was older.  (A songcrafters member is working on the recording at the time of writing...)
We then spent the best day around our friends and family, who all commented at the time on what a perfect day it was, and how it was in such stark contrast to the Chaos that morning. Other than that it was a perfect Monday. It  wound down with Saul playing with his best friend around his new brother at our next-door neighbour's house before heading home on what was a school night.

We went to sleep that night in the ordinary way after a perfect day, which I am told was topped off with an amazing Thunderstorm here in London that night.  Ethan watched with his mother whilst I put Saul to bed and fell asleep as usual. Liz Said it was so brilliant that it Illuminated the sky and all that  was around it. They went to sleep after they shared this experience. It is Rare to get storms like that in London.


Liz woke to check him in the early hours in the morning.
She woke me..... Suddenly......

The first words I heard were "He's Not Breathing!!"
The first thing I did was launch into Emergency Life Support techniques as if I was on Auto Pilot.
I never thought the training I had received through my day job as a Police Officer, would have to be used to try and revive my own Son.
I remember thinking "He is still warm! Thats a Good Sign!! Couldn't have been too long!! Keep on going!!!!" as I continued CPR until the ambulance crew arrived with Equipment that I have seen used and used so many times before. Times where I have been able to help save lives, with same training and equipment...

Hope then  carried us through The Next couple of hours of ambulances and Emergency rooms .
I Prayed.  And Prayed again. Whilst silently waiting for a change, knowing the Medical team were doing all they could.
But Time ticked on, away with any hope of reviving Ethan.

When the Medical professionals were ready to conclude their efforts, I remember trying to say   "Please carry on....."The words came out, but they sounded Stripped of hope, and quite with the realization of what had just happened.  
My Son had Died.

The First thought that crossed my mind after the team of doctors cleared the room, leaving  holding Ethan was "Well.....?  Where is your faith now.....?"

I looked at him and Kissed his Perfect head after one of the nurses helped me hold him in a blanket to preserve his dignity.
I asked myself again as to where my faith was staring at his peaceful face, fully asleep.
And from deep inside I answered the question.
It was still there.
And I could feel my son was around me, within that feeling of faith, but I knew he was no longer where I could see him. But  I could feel him then. And I can feel him now.


My faith has allowed me to reach this stage in coping with the death of one of my children.
Every day is a different. But we stay strong. I have seen a new strength in Liz and Saul that make me proud to share a name with them. And they keep me going as much as faith does.

I am Sorry if I sound preachy. That is not my intention. I just want to share some of the happy Memories of My Son as well as the feelings that go through a parent/Dads mind when this kind of thing happens.  I never expected having to write about this or contemplated the concept of sharing the experience. It just seems a like a natural and necessary product of these events . I Hope I have not distressed anyone in talking about the matter in detail.


Ethan managed to teach his Old man some of the most important lessons life. He has also answered questions for me that have always been on my mind in under twenty days.
I am Proud of you Son.
We Long for you.
Thank you For being.
As Brief as it was, your stay showed your family how strong we can be.

[Gnasty]

Tharek, this is the most tragic story and the way you have written this has touched me in a way like nothing else ever and I am a man of my word. For anyone to contest anyone's faith is wrong and for you to have that faith you believe
After all this and is making you stronger for what you have told us, than that is an amazing thing. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Ethan. The picture of him and Saul is beautiful. You are a great man. I thought about you a lot when I heard the news. I am not good with my words in this way often but I hope you and your family heal and get stronger everyday.

Peace my friend

Eric

[Flash Harry]

T. It's a beautiful song.

[Geir]

It is really hard to put words to the feelings I get when listening to this Tharek. There's so much emotion, ..... ... ...  sadness ..yes, loss .. definetly, but also faith, hope and love ... ... ... and wisdom ...

... and it's so beautiful !! The music and your voice .... wow you're voice have never been better .... and that says a lot !!

Thanks for sharing this my friend !

[Rata-tat-tat]

Man... I got tears in my eyes... this is so beautiful T... My thoughts are with you my friend. Thanks so much for sharing this story... Your a heck of a guy!!! I wish only the best for you and your family.

[alfstone]

Welcome back, Tharek.

Peace

Alfredo

[henwrench]

 

                                                          henwrench

[Oldrottenhead]

i am still lost for words but geir summed it up for me

It is really hard to put words to the feelings I get when listening to this Tharek. There's so much emotion, ..... ... ...  sadness ..yes, loss .. definetly, but also faith, hope and love ... ... ... and wisdom ...

... and it's so beautiful !! The music and your voice .... wow you're voice have never been better .... and that says a lot !!

Thanks for sharing this my friend !