Viz letters

[StevieM]

I got sent these, had to pass them on.

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

 'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.L Palmer,London


With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.Lo Chi Chang, Taipei 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.Alan J., London

  Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.Mike Woods, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.Chris Scaife,Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?Dave Owen, Edinburgh 

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.Stan Herschel 

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.Mrs Close,Headingley

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.Mrs B. Essex.

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.John Sampson, Southampton. 

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

  If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?Stalker, Bournemouth .

 Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people?I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.A Woodward, Sheffield .

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.J Morgan, Wigan .

 These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

 Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

 To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. 
 

[Oldrottenhead]

lmao.

Gotta admire the man for being honest.   
   
Florida 's got it right.  Bravo for Sheriff Judd!!!

POLK  COUNTY FLORIDA  SHERIFF GRADY JUDD 

Some  'dirtbag' in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state wide manhunt ensued. 

The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.   


Now here's the kicker: 

Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel: 'That's all the bullets we had!!' 

[Glenn Mitchell]

Except in Florida you can never be sure it wasn't just some guy walking in the woods. Guess they'll never know.

[Greeny]

Brilliant 

This one almost made me spit my coffee all over my desk...

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.Mrs B. Essex.

[ianjm]

I remember a helpful hint in the viz that was quite funny:-

Avoid ever losing a contact lens again simply drill a small hole in the middle of each one. Then thread a length of cotton through the hole of each one and secure with a knot. When you wear them put the cotton around your neck and hey presto; no more lost lenses.

[TomH86]

hahahaha! I LOVE the viz!

I got given an annual at xmas...

This letter made me laugh so much..haha

" Ive always thought my arsehole was brown but my girlfriend insists that it is pink...Im not sure whether to believe her. "

XD