First try at poetry, wanting honest opinions...

[Maverick31]

Hey Bro!


Awesome Poems!


I can Hear Lincon Park Singing These...


A friend of mine Writes Poetry.... I Put some Guitar Behind some of his verse once

https://songcrafters.org/community/index.php?topic=5574.0

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8549955

[soundclick]8549955[/soundclick]

This was a smoochie one...


It Helps if you record the Vocals First to give an Idea of how you want the Track to flow...






Peace Bro


T(Osckilo)

Thanks for the praise man, but I have to tell ya, I'm not a Link Park fan. 

[Maverick31]

Very expressive writings Mav - impressive too and heart felt!  You just gotta connect with some of the musical talent on this site and you'll be popping out some great songs in no time!

Thanks, I can't wait to write well enough to put my words into music. After all, I wrote all of this in just two day. I don't know about structure, nor do I know enough about anything else. But it looks like I'm starting to improve a bit.

Once I get that all down pat, then I still have to work on my voice.

[Satchwood]

Hey Mav, I'm thinking of working on a song with your lyrics.  Here's a song format. If it goes too long I might need to cut one of the verses.  Would you care which verse I pick, if I need to do that?  What do you think?  I think this would be cool.  I like it so much I feel like claiming the music for it before it is even composed

"Evil inside"  -  Words by Justin Maverick,  Music by Tommy Satchwood c2010

Verse1:
The thoughts inside my head will explode
Pull them all out before I grow cold
you say that it's over but how did we start?
These foolish games are breaking my heart

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Verse2:
Where is the touch that chills my skin?
I want to feel her but love makes me spin.  (sometimes hurts)
Tell me the lies so I won't feel the pain
When you release me I'm falling again

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Verse3:
My mind is wandering, the evil brain
But in your eyes my thoughts are insane
It's time to decide, I know the price
when she comes near her touch cold as ice

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Bridge:
She touches my spine I shiver with lust
then she turns me away and I cry in her dust
But when she's gone there's no cold hand
The loneliness kills me with a pain I can't stand

Verse4:
But the pain must continue, will it ever go?
Till it starts all over we'll never know
and if she comes calling, can I keep being strong?
The days are useless and the nights are gone

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

[Satchwood]

Hey Mav,
This one might be a better song format for your lyrics man.  I will try each out and see which works better.  Of course others on this forum, might have some other ideas that may be helpful.

What do you think?

Evil inside  - Words by Justin Maverick,  Music by Tommy Satchwood c2010

Verse1:
The thoughts inside my head will explode
Pull them all out before I grow cold
you say that it's over but how did we start?
These foolish games are breaking my heart

Where is the touch that chills my skin?
I want to feel her but love makes me spin.  (sometimes hurts)
Tell me the lies so I won't feel the pain
When you release me I'm falling again

   Chorus:
   Look in my eyes there's evil inside
   you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
   Take my hand there's nothing to fear
   if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Verse2:
My mind is wandering, the evil brain
But in your eyes my thoughts are insane
It's time to decide, I know the price
when she comes near her touch cold as ice

But the pain must continue, will it ever go?
Till it starts all over we'll never know
and if she comes calling, can I keep being strong?
The days are useless and the nights are gone

   Chorus:
   Look in my eyes there's evil inside
   you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
   Take my hand there's nothing to fear
   if you don't want my love then why are you here?

         Bridge:
         She touches my spine I shiver with lust
         then she turns me away and I cry in her dust
         But when she's gone there's no cold hand
         The loneliness kills me with a pain I can't stand

   Chorus:
   Look in my eyes there's evil inside
   you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
   Take my hand there's nothing to fear
   if you don't want my love then why are you here?

[Wiley]

Hey this stuff is really good!  An all in only 2 days?  So what is it you want?   Do you want some of us to turn this into music as a rough draft and send to you so you can do it?   Or to try our hand at it or what?   There seem to be a lot of songs in the making with this!  I might mess around some if you don't mind!   Would send to you anything I might do!   Keep on writing.  Superb!!
PJ

[Maverick31]

Hey this stuff is really good!  An all in only 2 days?  So what is it you want?   Do you want some of us to turn this into music as a rough draft and send to you so you can do it?   Or to try our hand at it or what?   There seem to be a lot of songs in the making with this!  I might mess around some if you don't mind!   Would send to you anything I might do!   Keep on writing.  Superb!!
PJ

Well, since I don't have anything to record my own vocals, I really wouldn't mind you guys using them at all. It would be a honor if you guys really thought that my poems are fit to make into lyrics. So if any of you want to try it, I say go for it! Just make sure you shoot me a MP3 of the song so I can check it out.
Once I have the money, I'd like to get something that will allow me to attempt to use my own voice (which I'm not comfortable with), but that's down the road... since I'm broke.

And yes, it was done in just two days... never tried to write a poem before this, so that's why all of the formating probably looks wrong. I didn't even try to research it. These poems are all originals, with no editing done... meaning as soon as I finished one, I saved it and never touched it again.

[Maverick31]

Hey Mav, I'm thinking of working on a song with your lyrics.  Here's a song format. If it goes too long I might need to cut one of the verses.  Would you care which verse I pick, if I need to do that?  What do you think?  I think this would be cool.  I like it so much I feel like claiming the music for it before it is even composed

"Evil inside"  -  Words by Justin Maverick,  Music by Tommy Satchwood c2010

Verse1:
The thoughts inside my head will explode
Pull them all out before I grow cold
you say that it's over but how did we start?
These foolish games are breaking my heart

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Verse2:
Where is the touch that chills my skin?
I want to feel her but love makes me spin.  (sometimes hurts)
Tell me the lies so I won't feel the pain
When you release me I'm falling again

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Verse3:
My mind is wandering, the evil brain
But in your eyes my thoughts are insane
It's time to decide, I know the price
when she comes near her touch cold as ice

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Bridge:
She touches my spine I shiver with lust
then she turns me away and I cry in her dust
But when she's gone there's no cold hand
The loneliness kills me with a pain I can't stand

Verse4:
But the pain must continue, will it ever go?
Till it starts all over we'll never know
and if she comes calling, can I keep being strong?
The days are useless and the nights are gone

Chorus:
Look in my eyes there's evil inside
you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
Take my hand there's nothing to fear
if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Sounds like a great idea, you have my blessing Satchwood! Keep me up to date with you progress.

[Maverick31]

Hey Mav,
This one might be a better song format for your lyrics man.  I will try each out and see which works better.  Of course others on this forum, might have some other ideas that may be helpful.

What do you think?

Evil inside  - Words by Justin Maverick,  Music by Tommy Satchwood c2010

Verse1:
The thoughts inside my head will explode
Pull them all out before I grow cold
you say that it's over but how did we start?
These foolish games are breaking my heart

Where is the touch that chills my skin?
I want to feel her but love makes me spin.  (sometimes hurts)
Tell me the lies so I won't feel the pain
When you release me I'm falling again

   Chorus:
   Look in my eyes there's evil inside
   you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
   Take my hand there's nothing to fear
   if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Verse2:
My mind is wandering, the evil brain
But in your eyes my thoughts are insane
It's time to decide, I know the price
when she comes near her touch cold as ice

But the pain must continue, will it ever go?
Till it starts all over we'll never know
and if she comes calling, can I keep being strong?
The days are useless and the nights are gone

   Chorus:
   Look in my eyes there's evil inside
   you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
   Take my hand there's nothing to fear
   if you don't want my love then why are you here?

         Bridge:
         She touches my spine I shiver with lust
         then she turns me away and I cry in her dust
         But when she's gone there's no cold hand
         The loneliness kills me with a pain I can't stand

   Chorus:
   Look in my eyes there's evil inside
   you runaway fast, but where will you hide?
   Take my hand there's nothing to fear
   if you don't want my love then why are you here?

Like I said, I'd love to have people take my words and attempt to make a song with them. All of you have my permission to do so, as long as I'm credited as the writter of the lyrics.

[Maverick31]

Also, I want to thank you guys for your support... I really didn't think that my poems were any good. So it means a lot to have feedback, positive or negitive. Either way, I'm just looking to improve. I'd really like to get into song writting and eventually singing. One step at a time I suppose.

Thanks again!

-Mav

[Satchwood]

Hey Maverick31  -  I started working out some rhythm sections on "Evil Inside" and I do believe that it's going to be a rocker    I actually have 2 ideas, but the rocker version seems to be pushing its way to the top...

I like what Wiley did with your "My One and Only" - she's fast and talented - and Bluesberry had a great idea to make this a bit of a challenge or contest to create several versions in totally different genre's or styles depending on an individual musician's interpretation. 

What do you think?