Low end people

[peterp]

OK I'll play

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Low end people, living low end lives.
Searching dollar stores, for a two dollar thrill.
See the gleam in their eye, as they snatch their prize.
Foreign made plastics that should have been steel.
Never imagining, never realizing.
They are undermining themselves.

Wal-Mart people, in a Wal-Mart world.
Shuffle along in stunned shell shocked silence.
Slippers dragging, muumuu flapping.
Don't get caught between them and the discount bin.

Low end people, living low end lives.
Just yesterday, they were not that way.
Living the good life, in suburbia isolated.
They had it all. Ttheir Japanese SUV car.
Their made in Taiwan stereo, their Korean TV.
Everything they own, everything they have.
Even their home if you look at the back
Says made in anywhere, except in their own home town.
Never imagining, never realizing.
They are undermining themselves.

Wal-Mart people, in a Wal-Mart world.
Shuffle along in stunned shell shocked silence
Slippers dragging, muumuu flapping
Don't get caught between them and the discount bin.

We are low end people, living our low end lives.
Always blaming everyone else for the mess we are in.
Always complaining that "someone" should fix.
Stunned eyes watch as prices soar.
Minds baffled as the wages drop.
Bodies stand in shock, just another casualty of vanishing outsourced jobs.
Never imagining, never realizing, with our greed to get it cheep.
We are just undermining ourselves.

Wal-Mart people, in a Wal-Mart world.
Shuffle along in stunned shell shocked silence
Slippers dragging, muumuu flapping
Don't get caught between them and the discount bin.

Low end people, living low end lives.
Staring intently, enamored with our foreign made TV's.
Watching carefully crafted mind numbing reality drivel.
Designed to keep us appeased.
Always ready to select a new savior to next come rescue us from ourselves.
Each making fantastic promises with fresh new old lies.
Never imagining, never realizing.
We have undermined ourselves.
Traitor to ourselves
Traitors to our people.

Wal-Mart people, in a Wal-Mart world.
Shuffle along in stunned shell shocked silence.
Slippers dragging, muumuu flapping.
Don't get caught between them and the discount bin.

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I've been hacking at this since 2008, just can't get it to work, words don't flow too gooder.
When I originally scribbled it down I had a tune stuck running in my head, which I promptly forgot,
now nothing seems to fit.
(I was listening to a lot of Neil Young especially his "Living with war" album about that time period, that probably had some effect )

Penned while watching people lose jobs all around me to global sourcing/off shoring.
Oh well have at it !

[Oldrottenhead]

cool lyrics pete. me i generally have the music first and add lyrics to the music but on the odd occasion i come up with a lyric first, i sometimes sing them over a drum beat, then add to it or even better i get musicians much better than myself to add to it.

[tony]

Ok, Peter, I'll play too.

This is just something that might help in getting you in the reworking mood.

James was right, you have some good lyrics here so here's three suggestions:

1. Lose the reflection.  Your images are strong and they don't really need the "Never imagining, never realizing./They are undermining themselves." lines.  Your images tell us what we need to know, you don't need to go further and tell us what to think.

2. Try working the lines out in syllables and keeping some regular pattern going.  Example: The Wal-Mart chorus - if you drop the "caught" in the last line so it reads "Don't get between them and the discount bin" it will have a better chance of falling into rhythm.

3. Try a verse that relates to one person, give the person a name, let the listen into one person's world and they might click into what is going on. If it doesn't work, ditch it.

Bob Dylan has a track on 'Together Through Life', I think it's called 'It's All Good', that has a similar theme.  Have a listen to that, it might move things around for you.

I know it's a song and I don't want to help you write a poem that you didn't want to write but these things might help.  And if I've done wrong, sorry, but we're just playing, right?

Good luck, I think this can go somewhere.
Cheers,
Tony

[peterp]

Thanks!
you've given me some great ideas on where and how to continue!

I agree there is too much wordy baggage in there.
I think maybe best if I stop trying to remember what tune I was thinking of and start over with just a base drum or rhythm  pattern.
Give me a chance to fool with that hydrogen program.

[Bluesberry]

Very good imagery here.  For sure too many words.  What I find about song lyrics is you don't really need all the little connecting words like "and", "the", "in", like", "of"...all that kind of stuff.  If I feel I have a lyric that is too wordy I start by chopping out a lot of these little words out.  You usually dont miss them in a sung lyric and it flows better.  Thats what came to my mind on reading this.  Poetery and lyrics don't need all the connector words like prose, just a thought.

[Nelson]

Hey great piece of writing here. I know this is a serious piece but I must tell you that the imagery of this verse Wal-Mart people, in a Wal-Mart world.
Shuffle along in stunned shell shocked silence.
Slippers dragging, muumuu flapping.
Don't get caught between them and the discount bin, is just hilarious.
Ok I'm serious again.
It doesn't matter how long it takes,
only the quality of what you create..

And you've done a fine job, my friend.

-Nelson

[rvincent55]

Hey Peter,

Firstly, thanks for pointing this site out to me...we were posting in the home recording thread over on the Fender forums (my ID over there is pbassbob), and you'd made a mention of this site!

Your song has a great theme...it reminds me of the old video game "Lemmings", where you had to route their travels, or they'd walk straight off a cliff. A sad, but accurate analogy to what's happening these days, and your lyric describes it well, in "everyman" terms. A little bit of editing here and there on your part to cut back on the "wordiness", and you've got a winner, to be sure.

I hope you do flesh it out...I'd like to hear it, once you've tracked it!

[peterp]

Hay, glad you could make it over!
I've made a few false starts on rewrites of this one.
Sooner or later it will begin to take shape

Hum I just noticed my avatar is still from Halloween maybe time get a round-to-it and update it .

[vierge99]

I apologize if everyone sees me replying here to old posts. I'm new to the forum and just trying to be active. I'm also at work on night shift haha.

What I see in these lyrics (and I'm not, by any means, an expert) is more than one idea trying to be expressed.

I'd say sit down with these lyrics again and try to focus on what message you're trying to send or what story you're trying to tell. Maybe this breaks down into more than one song?