Intro and verse fragment - help change or expand?

[des0free]

Edit: improved guitar sound and changed last recorded vocal line
Edit: posted track with no vocals in case someone wants to experiment
(I am not opposed to a total re-write with non-sappy, non-cringe lyrics!)


Here is an intro and verse fragment I think sounds promising and recorded. Anyone want to collaborate to help me expand this?

The guitar plays a D-Dsus2-G6sus(?)-Dsus2 riff and the verse goes

"D"                              "G"
I saw the lights in your window
D                                      G
So I came knocking at your door
D                                  G
You said you'd see me tomorrow
D                                  G
That made me fall to the floor

Additional ideas for verse lyrics (not yet recorded to judge and likely reject):

I used to dream of your body   [how scandalous!]
I used to dream of your touch  [how offensive!]
I never thought I'd really have you  [most likely scenario]
But now we have so much  [excuse me, what does "much" mean here?]

One idea for chorus:

Bm                            G
Those are the days to remember
Bm                             G
When you were by my side
Bm                         G
Those were the best days
G/C                         G
The best days of our lives
??

[Zoltan]

The last line could be "but that was last fall..."
It would add drama and mystery to the lyrics.

Chorus ideas: She's always washing her hair, something was wrong, she wouldn't let me upstairs. I guess it's her mom, she always thought I was a bum.

And then back to happiness in the last verse where everything comes together.

If you'll end up going this direction you can say the song was Zoltanaized

[des0free]

The last line could be "but that was last fall..."
It would add drama and mystery to the lyrics.

Chorus ideas: She's always washing her hair, something was wrong, she wouldn't let me upstairs. I guess it's her mom, she always thought I was a bum.

And then back to happiness in the last verse where everything comes together.

If you'll end up going this direction you can say the song was Zoltanaized

Not bad ideas...Another possibility for that last line could be "So I went to sleep with the girl next door"?  or "But then I got your sister pregnant"? 

 

[des0free]

Some progress   (I changed the last sung verse line, re-recorded the guitar doubled/panned, and have some possible ideas for additional verse lyrics and chorus (see original updated post).  Will have to record and see how it sounds.  Then, as per usual, most likely reject them...)

* I also posted track with no vocals in case someone wants to experiment
(I am not opposed to a total re-write with non-sappy, non-cringe lyrics!)