Police arrested two men yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Two pieces of string walk into a pub & order their drinks.
The barman says "Oi! We don't serve your kind in here! Get Out!"
Out they go & one of them starts pulling bits of thread out of himself & generally roughing up his appearance. Then he goes back into the pub.
The barman takes one look at him & says "You're not a bit of string, are you?"
To which he replies...
...
"No... I'm a frayed knot!"
Thank you very much - I'm here all week & don't forget to tip your waitress ;D
Here's an oldie but it still makes me laugh...
Walking along the sea front yesterday I saw a couple having an argument. They were really going for it, yelling & screaming at each other & it wasn't long before they started getting physical - knocking seven bells out of each other. They had a baby with them too who started crying and yelling & generally adding to the pandemonium.
Soon enough, the constabulary arrived & rather than trying to calm things down, this bobby waded in with his baton, He was hitting them both trying to separate them. All the while the baby was screaming it's head off & by now there was a crowd gathered around the scene watching in amazement.
The couple decided to turn on the policeman & while they were still trading punches with each other, they both started landing blows on him... it was carnage! Man & wife hitting each other; man & wife hitting the policeman; policeman whacking both of them with his baton; baby crying at the top of it's lungs...
And you'll never guess what happened next...
....
.... The crocodile ate all the sausages!
That's the way to do it! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
;D ;D ;D ;D
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds the bulb & waits for the world to revolve around him ;D ;D ;D